I have been finding it incredibly difficult to sit down and write. I am looking at the screen and the blogpost is just so white. However, at night my brain is well and alive, giving me all these ideas I could use in the morning. And then the morning comes and I am just tired, and don’t want to produce more words, sentences in a day. I am so far from being okay, cured, content. Keeping up with sports has been rewarding. I have not found even one excuse from not doing it. Even when I was sick and weak in the afternoon, or rain was pouring down. I think that is a good sign. I am holding onto this sport thing as if this was the only way to be a good wife. I know that sport is a way out of a lot of misery, and keeps the mind fresh too.
So, I have been reading a book, which in part also discusses responsibility in one’s life, and even without properly digesting whatever the advice was, I know that I am doing very poorly in this field of my life. I am very bad at taking responsibility for my own actions, and I fall into the blame-game very often. That is what this blog would like to untangle. My life, how I got this point where I am in my life at the age of 30. What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right? What kind of decisions I made, what decisions were rushed, a mistake, and of course many times not even understanding that it was actually a decision that I made. I also would like to see, so go down to the root and be as honest as I can about how much fear I have in my life and mostly where it stems from.
It is usually me, who ironically says that after a while, you have no right to blame your parents for your situation. I know I am still blaming my mom for many things, even if I am not explicit about it. The reason why I know that is because every time I see a supportive parent, e.g. one of my friends gets a visit or just talks about their childhood, how they had the help that they needed it makes me feel terrible. I feel sorry for myself and I feel the area in my stomach tighten. I am incredibly envious, and it would be great not to have that envy in me anymore. It would be incredibly nice one day to wake up to the feeling of relief, of content, of appreciation of being alive.
Whenever I read about people going through terrible pain and suffering, the moral of the story usually comes down to: I wouldn’t be the person without what happened. To be honest, if I could I would choose the easy way out. I wouldn’t want the pain. I wouldn’t want the abuse, I would have liked to have more support, a stronger background and less responsibility that was put on me. Everyone would choose a life without abuse. I comprehend that it makes me more caring and understanding towards others’ pain and suffering, that I know what they have gone through, but as a character building trait, I would just not wish it upon anyone, that you could use it one day, it will come in handy… don’t worry about how shit it feels.
I make most of my decisions out of fear. The second place goes to morals. I have very strong ideas about how the world should be, and what things I find acceptable and what not at all. But fear is a big one. And I wish to change that. Many times I think I had no choice. Apparently there is always a choice. Because if there isn’t that goes into the blaming category. I am still trying to come to terms with that. I would love to say I don’t regret anything in my life, but that is so not true. I wish I had an inner Piaf, but at the moment I don’t seem to have one yet. I would love to explore and see how I made the decisions that I regret up until the analysis at the end would be: no, I don’t regret it anymore. I think most of the time, when people stop regretting things they are in a good place in their lives and can comfortably say: good, and now I have the luxury not to regret things. At least that is how I imagine it. People, who got to a point in their lives where they feel good they say: I don’t regret anything, right?
I was visiting a friend today, and I asked her: so what would you like to do before you die? Is there something that you have to have in your life? She said: I just really want a house, a family and that is it. She was almost apologetic about her wishes. She asked: is that not enough? I said you can wish for whatever you want. Because I said: I would be very unhappy not to experience life in Sweden just a bit, just for a couple of months, if not more. My friend happens to be Swedish, by the way. There are many things that I would like to do, and with my writing I am really hoping for chanelling my wishes into an action plan, but until then there is still a lot to revisit and redefine. I need a different approach to my past, to be able to live in the present and have hope for my future.