All my life I thought I was good at lying. Also about telling the truth. I don’t know whether I am or not, but it is true that people around me have no clue how I feel and what I think most of the time. I desperately would like them to know what is up with me, but it is hard. I am scared that if they really knew I would have no friends and noone would be interested in me. I am sure that lying is the thing that destroys or harms many families the most. The lack of being able to speak openly about issues, and obviously about issues that matter the most for the integrity of a family, or an individual within that family for that matter can and will do a lot of harm. When you know that you are just not allowed to mention certain topics, people or events from the past.
In my case I used to say what was on my mind in an instant. Most people were amused by that, because what I had to say was either very funny or incredibly insulting. The freshness of talking to someone, who was frank about her opinion was an interesting colour in the textile of the school community, and in other places that I technically belonged to as well. Later on it – or I – became annoying for many very quickly. It took me a lot of time to decipher why I said those things and why I didn’t seem to have a filter of any kind. However as a side effect what also happened was that every so often my opinion mattered. Some people came to me, because they said: if I gave an opinion that surely was honest, even if it wasn’t nice or comforting. About how a dress looked on someone, a haircut, an idea, a presentation, whatever. When I said something positive they valued it much better, because they were sure I meant it.
Being completely honest with someone without biting my tongue is possible with two people in my life, with the only exception of topic being my sex life and ob-gyn anxieties. And those two people exclude my husband, who knows about the latter for obvious reasons, but not about the rest. Maybe if I’d the chance to develop our conversations further with my two friends, I’d get to the point where I can talk about that as well. However about childhood abuse and the immense responsibility that was put on my shoulders there are these two people in the world I can honestly converse with, not with my husband about this. The other way around, there are many people, who confided in me their secrets and troubles without knowing what I have been going through, just feeling that I will be able to show empathy to them. It is not a coincidence in my view. I would like to give these details to my husband as well at some point, but not in one go, and not soon. He knows I am writing something, he also knows I am not going to show it to him. He is fine with it.
People come and go in one’s life. My life is not any different. However I am one of those, who is really trying to stay in touch with others. Or at least I used to. I wanted to have proper links with home. But not anymore, really. After 8 years moving around, ocasionally managing to be back home as well – I have had enough. I know that with social media it is easier to hunt people down to reconnect with. But the people I am interested in the most are making sure that they are not on social media, and do not really leave traces of their lives online.
Yesterday I had the amazing luck and reconnected with one of them on the phone. We talked for 3 hours. I seem to get the impression that mostly I talked, because I just wanted to get some tension out. I hope I was not overpowering the conversation. I need to shut up more in general. Anyway. She understood why I am practically unable to properly look for jobs and that I can’t just jump into the job market waiting for a miracle to happen. I was telling her where I am in my life, and why I am choosing this time to reflect on my life. That I am recounting what has happened to me so far and would like to understand how I ended up the way I am. She understood in an instant what I was talking about.
One of my biggest hope from writing all this is to find a way to forgiveness towards my mother, have time to grieve people, events and time to reclaim my life. I would like to make mindful decisions, as a step forward the life I want and deserve. All the lies, all the terrible things that happened are becoming lighter by the day. I feel the relief. Just like my friend felt it when her mother died. She loved her, but it was easier to her knowing that the taking care of part was over. She didn’t need to take care of her anymore, which became the sole focus and burden she carried everywhere she went in the past 10 years. I deeply understand what she is talking about. We practically did not have parents, we raised ourselves somehow to take care of our own mothers from a very young age the best we could. One of the most famous sayings of my mum is: “I might be wrong sometimes, but I never lie.” I know what it feels like when you are repeating something so many times that in the end you believe it yourself. Well, the biggest lie my mum ever told herself was that she never lied, she has always been honest to us.
She even joked about the ten commandments: there is nothing about lying in it for a very good reason. It is not possible not to lie! – she would say. How contradictory… Her not being religious at all by the way. This is one of the sentences that caused the biggest continuous pain for me, and it is still a constant reminder of how many times my truth was taken away from me by just claiming she never lies, she would never lie, but might be wrong. She would not own up to being wrong either, unless pushed about it. Nowadays it is different, I see through her and call out on the fact that she didn’t tell me something. Children believe adults. Just like that. In my case that was severely abused by her, by my sister, my sister’s ex. I honestly believed them. Why would it not be true what they were telling me? Oh my god, how terrible that is. I keep this in mind when I am talking to my niece. I am very frank with her. I tell my sister not to lie to her own daughter, because it is going to hit back at her as well. However about the past lies it is going to be very difficult to confront my mum or my sister. It is way too many lies, and mum is in the phase of accepting them as truths. Hence it was incredibly refreshing to tell someone about my feelings in spoken word. It is all very good writing here and expanding on my thoughts and this pracitce does help. However being able to to receive validation yesterday of how I feel and most importantly being understood was amazing.
I know it was only possible, because I shared with someone, who has been there, who had that kind of deep pain and grief with the complications of a relationship with a mother that many of my friends fortunately do not have. In a way I am honestly very happy that they don’t know and understand what I would talk about with them as their relationships with their mothers are close to ideal. I am happy to know there are people in the world, who had the utmost support of their parents and surroundings. I didn’t and for obvious reasons I will be very happy when I truly come to terms with my past and take only the strength and compassion for the present. That is still a quite a bit of way to go, but I am hopeful.