My best friend from the school – where I spent the best time studying design – is pregnant. I had a dream about being very pregnant, ready to go into labour, but the pain just decided to stop, and I just sat down waiting to give birth, not knowing what to do.

Pregnancy is a recurring a topic in my life. I think the deepest fear of mine is connected to the biggest wish of mine. I would like to belong to a family that is loving, kind and supportive. And I know, for some reason I had already established that when I was around 16 years old, that the only way to get that is to start my own family at some point. When I have children, and my children have children then I will turn into this matriarch that I have always needed in my life. I will be my own matriarch. Sounds very Jewish. Well, according to the rules I am 1/8th Jewish, so it is in my blood somewhere. Even though I was raised counter-religious. Not just a simple atheist, but to oppose religion in all forms and manifestations. That hostility against religion got me into trouble several times. Until I knew better, but this is not the focus of this post.

I can easily understand why people are eager to marry, and ready to take on all the challanges to fitting in into a new family – in order to have something at least, and to leave the old family behind. For me that is not an option, I’d like to get right with my actual family and not flee to the next option. That family will have problems too. However I have to state that these days my parents-in-law seem to be nicer to me, and I feel better being in the company of my husband’s family. I am happy that my husband did have two supportive parents, two people, whose love towards him are clearly unquestionable. And yes, I can say unconditional. That love is not like that towards me, as they can be quite possessive about their son, but that feeling also seems to lessen a bit in the past year.

For me pregnancy is scary for many reasons. First of all the changes of the body, it is very serious that seems to be downplayed these days and reduced to merely to looks. What you look like, how much weight you gain, how fast you lose it, whether you are still sexy and desirable while being pregnant. Fuckable is an ugly world, but unfortunately many still think like that. I know how difficult it is to be pregnant in terms of following closely several pregnancies. Already being a woman is hard enough, you are judged all the fucking time. Being pregnant, and then being a mum, you are truly fucked in society. I know, I am a sociologist, and I see the stark differences between married and unmarried women, mothers, and women, who clearly refuse to become one.

Me, who has suffered different health issues in the past years, I know pregnancy will be harder on my body, when at the moment just by merely existing I can get migraine attacks and shoulder pain, with jawline problems any time. Giving birth is also incredibly scary and painful. I will want to find a way to get into hypnotic birth mode to actually enjoy my pregnancy and enjoy giving birth. However, I know I do need some basic things ready before I can even consider starting a family. And when I do have the basics down… will I want to start a family? I mean, I feel the pressure. When I was 21 it was a surprise to see even back then one or two acquaintances of mine getting children. In the 21th century in this part of the world that is very young.

Now at 30, literally at least 10 ex-classmates of mine have strated a family lately. To be honest if I got pregnant now I wouldn’t worry as much as in the past when I was together with people, who I surely wouldn’t have wanted children together with for different reasons. My husband is a very good man, and as simplistic as these adjectives sound, I would have a trusted teammate to get children with. If it meant working all the things related to it together. However the fear of getting pregnant keeps me forming a stronger bond with him. Because when I think about people getting pregnant that means that these people have sex. Probably on a regular basis. Obviously there are the usual lucky people, who just get pregnant. But these people actually try, and have sex to get children. We don’t have sex most of the time, and it is hugely my fault.

I would like to do more, be more present and active. I find him attractive, he is handsome, I like his smell. But I am depressed and depressed people don’t feel sexual desire that much. The good thing is that it used to work. These days when I try something, or he tries something it becomes very awkward. When I could let go a bit more I had to drink for that. And that is not a good way to go. I am worried that I will always have to drink to be able to have sex. And my sexual assault from my childhood has not been acknowledged by anyone, or discussed anywhere by me. So I’ll have to start it here, and somewhere. Just not being protected as a child. And I have only one life. Those happenings are not a different issue that were such a long time ago that who cares? This is one continuous life that is embedded in a family’s history, with other tragedies and happy moments. I feel how dependent I am. I feel what karma means in many ways that people find too mystical or nonsensical. I get what karma means, and I would like to work it out. So, this is hard. In the mean time I am trying to be happy for my friend, who has been wanting to get pregnant since she got married in March. Good for her. Exciting times!

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