I went to a wedding on Monday. I can’t say it was a friend’s wedding, because I don’t consider myself to be really close to each other. We used to be though, at university. She still considers me as someone, who is close to her, which is in itself very interesting. However, I would like to expand the thoughts in my head on marriage and weddings. I have not been disciplined enough to write every day, and I feel that the thoughts in my head are exploding slowly, but surely. The tradition here is to retell the story of the couple. It is obvious what questions are asked from the officiator to make the story funny, lovely and entertaining in general. I love that tradition! It gives you a better understanding of the couple and makes you connect to them more. Where I am from the official part is just official, the thoughts about marriage are very general, and if you want to do something similar to telling the story then maybe the bride’s maids or groomsmen do that in their speeches. Maybe the couple in their vows too.

I was told by my brother-in-law that the way we got married we would regret later. I don’t regret it, and I keep telling everyone that to me marriage is not an achievement. Because the work starts there: you commit, because that is the idea, and let’s see whether it will work out. Being happy while being beautifully dressed, eating good food and partying is not hard. What is hard comes after the first dance. Of course I am a bit bitter about my wedding, and that because of several reasons. I think a wedding is a very good way to understand how the couple feels about themselves, in the world, within their family, surrounded by friends. The decisions they make about how to organize the day, what traditions to keep, what to change, what to let go.

When we got married we had a very low point in our lives, and even though the wedding was super nice, but it was also incredibly stressful. I wanted to be married, and not to get married. In an ideal world had we gone to bed one night just to wake up the next morning married it would have been the perfect way to do it. Well, obviously that is not possible, so what is the next best thing? That is to have the smallest possible wedding. We were under so much stress that we first cancelled our plans about November, even though we wanted to choose the 5th November to be able to say: “remember, remember” the fifth of November. It would have been on a Thursday. And on the other side of the year compared to our birthdays. The idea was very good, but we had no energy to execute it. We got into a fight, and there was crying, and later a haircut just to mark the deeds.

I was growing my hair, it was gorgeous long and velvety to have some wonderful braids and up-do for the wedding. When we decided to cancel it I cut it out of sorrow very short, boyish minimal. I know my husband didn’t like it, it was his punishment. Truth be said I wanted to try a short haircut anyway, and it was convenient that I didn’t need to have more trouble with my long hair. But mostly it was revenge and pain. I was deeply upset. But then half a year later we quietly married one morning at the town hall.

We slept in different hotels with our witnesses, invited two photographers to take pictures of us and that was it. Six of us quickly getting married, then enjoying the morning in the park, drinking champagne and taking lots of photos. I looked good, husband was very handsome, the witnesses were pretty too. We went to have lunch together than both witnesses went back home and to work, we got on the train to get to the spa for the long weekend. We fought during our honeymoon. We were under so much stress, it was kind of sad.

It was deeply telling that we could not execute the wedding with both families and friends being there. And it was not a question of money, because that I could have figured out, how to make it cheap, without being cheap. It was the fact that we decided not to. I love weddings where it is obvious that the families can and will work together to make the day beautiful for the bride and the groom. And I am happy for the couple, but also envious that I don’t have that. So I promised myself I would organize a proper party the way I wanted it on our 10th anniversary. If we get there. I hope we do. Buzzed after the wedding I wanted to talk to my husband about what kind of party we would plan, I was excited to exchange plans, but he was not up for it. His thoughts were elsewhere. Still, I managed to involve him a bit in what I was considering to do, how to organize it and I could tell, he also would want to have something fun and a bit more open, us being total introverts.

I have been to weddings, where I felt incredibly uncomfortable, and that was guiding me in my thinking when planning my own wedding. When we gave up this idea of having to invite people I could focus a lot more on myself, even though I got a lot of criticism for not telling the parents about it. ANd not because they would have been against me getting married. The choice was good, no doubt. One of the seamstresses said: I hope my daughter will want to invite me to her wedding. And that is hitting the nail on the head. I wish I had a mother who I would have really wanted to see at the wedding, without whom i really couldn’t have imagined getting married. But I don’t have one. I know she must have been literally only kilometres away when I said yes, and that filled me with sadness, still that is the way it was planned, and it was the right thing to do.

I am working towards a good relationship with family members, who matter, and want to make sure to the 10th wedding anniversary they will all be there, because I want them to be there.


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