I have been busy, and not the superficial type, but the real one, when you are actually spending time doing things that matter, and at the end of the day you feel happy and content about the results. I have just started two projects. They are not new, not at all, just finally coming to fruition. The only downside is still not getting money for my work. I’ll have to step up my game, but I need to take it still one day at a time. And that is something that I constantly need to remind myself. I am not in a luxurious position like others are, I do not have the same life and challenges that they have. I don’t think feeling sorry for myself is a mistake. However it is not very productive – that is also true.
Just being able to write and get things out help me focus. If I don’t want to work on something even if I “should” I don’t push it. Tomorrow I might find the brain power, and energy to focus on the task that today is not giving me energy, inspiration or genuine interest to invest my time in. I missed writing on a daily basis, so now I am sitting down to write, to reflect. I started recording the podcast that I have been working on for over two years. In my mind the idea to give my knowledge away has always been there. Because I would have been very grateful in the past to receive the advice I know now.
There is no question I am struggling. It is incredibly difficult to see that I am behind all my friends, who have just bought a flat, a house, started a family, are successful in their jobs, get further and somehow expand their lives. Even though the past week has been showing good signs that I might be able to get out of my head, my depression. This is not helped by the fact that the summer camp I have been participating in and have been organizing for more than two decades have come to an end for me.
This year’s camp started yesterday, and even though I felt good during the day about it, at night I dreamt the whole night about me being there, but not really being there. I just kept drinking, and drinking, cheated on my husband to forget how sad I am for not being in the team. I feel literal pain right now. It hurts so much. I know why I made the decision a month ago. And probably it was a good decision. We haven’t had holidays yet and my brain is exhausted. I feel like the biggest loser in the world right now. We’ll see how that develops. I know I won’t have work to keep my mind occupied very soon, and that is blocking my thinking as well. Not earning money is hard. It is ruining my life as well. I hope these feelings will pass. In the mean time I also hope that they are going to have a wonderful week at the summer camp, and a new group will be formed without me.