I am trying to push myself to be better, to want more. To open up. Not be so damn scared of everything. So I went out for the second time to help out with cooking in order to save food from being wasted, and met new people, yet again. I pushed myself to start a conversation with people, whom I haven’t met before. Though, it was good to see three familiar faces as well. It is good that I went. What is more interesting is what happened before I went.
I don’t know whether it is because I keep writing here, and I push myself to publish almost every day when I am properly home, but I managed to speak to I can easily say my closest friend about my deepest fears. Almost all of them. And how ashamed I feel about it all. So I was telling her about my husband, which obviously means that you keep telling more, about topics adjacent to where you started off, as those are all parts of your life and what you are going through. And then I knew there would be a question about contraception. Well, time to confess. So her reaction was: I can tell you everything, so you can be prepared to the maximum, when you do go to the gynecologist. I felt so relieved that she just started typing without me asking anything. In such detail, with such care and thoughtfulness.
In the mean time I did get a letter to show up for my compulsory check-up, as I turned 30. Scanning for cancer. I didn’t go, I just kept rereading the letter, thinking: what and how should I do. How do I get the courage? Then a few weeks, probably months later, I got another letter from the state health institute, which asked in a totally non-judgemental way: do you prefer to do the test at home instead? I thought: hell, yes! I applied for the home-test-kit and it arrived quite soon. I waited a long time to do it, I wanted to have time to read it, to feel relaxed. I decided I would do it this week. After the conversation of yesterday I opened it in the evening and instead of asking my husband not to come in, and I told him he could do it for me and help. It was a feeling like using an electric toothbrush for the first time. You know it is like going to the dentist: something very “dentisty” like drilling your tooth. But it is not drilling, still the first time is incredibly weird for those, who are scared of doctors, and dentists and all that. This time pretending to be at the gynecologist, taking a pap smear sample. So after using the kit, I felt much better. A new experience unlocked for the day. I felt empowered and much better about myself. Thank you to my friend, who helped me with listening to me, and giving me all the encouraging words that I needed. I am grateful to have such a wonderful, supportive friend. Let’s hope the results will be all clear to have even more joy out of the experience.