Temporary

It is very difficult, when your husband tells you he doesn’t love you. No, not like that. You just feel the absence of connection. You know he looks at you in a way that does not have the will to form a bond with you. I also know that it is difficult for him too. It is the disconnected self due to depression. Having one person suffer from it is one thing, but having both sides struggle is really hard.

I have time to work on myself to read upon things and I try new stuff to find a solution. As my neighbour would say, if nothing else helps you need to pull yourself out of the mud by holding on to your hair. My husband works and he is the one bringing money in. If he wanted to he could spend a bit more time on getting better after work. But it is hard, and maybe it is not even a question of wanting to. Read more

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Ever since we got back from our holiday I have been going to bed earlier than usual. I love staying up late, and it is a real challenge to push myself to get to bed before 11pm. I know it will help me in the long run. Lately we have also agreed with my husband not to take our phones to bed. Only books or something to read. However the mornings are different. It is great that several times we managed to wake up before the alarm went off. I think that is a sign that our early bed experiment is working. But we do look at the phone first thing in the morning. At the moment the US Open is on, and I am a huge fan. Because of the time difference and my commitment to get healthier I do not watch matches late into the night. But as a true fan, I would like to know the results first thing in the morning. Read more

Dreams

I have always dreamt a lot in my life, I remember them vividly with lost of symbols and pictures the next morning. I got into the habit of looking things up to gain meaning of my night images at a very young age.

At home there was a legendary book on the shelf that explained in details what certain animals or events in my dreams meant, and I could not stop reading that book. Now if I wake up from a dream that had a very strong message or a clear, dominant event in it the first thing I do is to start looking for the meaning. Many times I already remember from previous research what things point to, but I always find the most important to remind myself that every single person in the dream is me. A part of me, a side of me, a fear or joy of me. Read more

Support

I don’t think depressed people happily talk about their illness to anyone. It is not fun to listen to someone, who seemingly just complains, and sees only the dark side of life. It is very difficult to speak up in any circumstances whatsoever, and that is the reason why I usually don’t do it. I have made very few exceptions to this rule. Just last week I posted a paragraph in a secret group on facebook about how I am feeling, reminding my friends to be thankful for the support they have. And of course from the reactions you can tell who understands what you wrote, who understands how to give you proper support that you might even be able to use or at least appreciate.

And that does not look like this: call me if you need me. Let me know if you need anything. I am here for you. The friends, who do care about you actually know you are unwell, and will try to nudge you out of your space, try to stop you from slipping deeper in your state. I mean if I had a supportive community around me this would have not happened in the first place. Belonging is my biggest problem after my general health problems. I know from experience: we, depressed people, are not reaching out to someone at all most of the time. We want to be saved, to be helped and cared for until we are strong enough to do things by ourselves, but we won’t really ask for it. We will suffer in our home, in privacy, in silence. Read more

I am looking at my face in the mirror. Eyes that are tired and full of sadness. Lips that just can’t seem to smile no matter how hard I try. Lines that are getting more pronounced giving me an overly serious and worried resting face. Last night was tough. I am always exhausted after crying into the night. It is true that the morning makes things better, I can be convinced that life can brighten up. Especially now, that it is summer and I am in theory on holiday.

Well, I am on holiday. I am not very I usually live. The weather is constantly above 30 degrees and I visited places where I have never been before. The mistake I made is that I wanted to spend some time with my in-law family. Ok, maybe that is not such a big a mistake, but it is always very difficult. Because my brother-in-law just pretends to spend time with is, and keeps our hopes up to spend more time with him, while we are here. But actually he is free maybe an evening and a day and that is it. Good to know when you plan on spending 5 days with him only to discover when you arrive that ‘he won’t have the time’. A huge disappointment for my husband, and it makes my heart heavy. Read more

10 years already

I have the urge to write and get out of my head every single day. I find this purging activity helpful for my health. I do read a lot of things on Quora about depression, questions about treatments, and I am wondering whether what I am doing right now is the proper way to go as it is not medically supervised at all. But as my blog title suggests: I cannot afford a therapist. My health insurance does not cover it. I am not taking any antidepressants, and I don’t even have a secret few pills to pop in, if I happened to have a panic attack. Just a few years ago, 5 years ago to be more specific I would have freaked out about the thought of not having the option to have something to calm me down. Now I am not so insecure about it. When I do think about all the things I need to get in order I get overwhelmed, and it is exactly what I shouldn’t be, I need to take it one thing at a time. Read more

Trying

Having a crisis every 7-8 years of my life seems almost inevitable to be. So far, I have come out of every crisis as a stronger individual. I have learnt more and more about myself, and others. Also the time to come out on the brighter side seems to shorten by the time. Maybe this is what I’d like to think, and that is the way forward on the road.

I know I am very determined to get out of the shit I am in. Practically I am very aware of the fact that I do not want to go down the rabbit hole again. I do not want to suffer from panic attacks, I’d like to sleep well and not jeopardize my well-being by letting me slip into panic mode. No, thank you. So far I have managed, but it came close on Sunday. The trigger was there. However being suicidal is not a surprising feeling to me. It comes and goes many times. What I honestly don’t want is a constant level of anxiety. As I said, so far, I have managed to avoid that. I am pushing through, I am writing. Not only here, but for my podcast, and about other topics. I do make a very conscious effort to speak up when I am in pain, and I also cry a lot these days. It is good to be able to say: I am unwell, I need help. I feel lost, it is hard to be me. I would prefer not to be ageist, but I am. The society we live in is ageist, and I am constantly reminded of that. Hence I also remind myself. It is a vicious circle. What should I have achieved by now? What should I have done to have a better life by 30 than what I have? Something that is successful, that makes me be better accepted in the world? Read more

Help

I cried almost all night. I fell asleep late, practically parched after all the tears. I woke up way too early and continued crying. It has been a very hard week. And then I decided to ask for help. This sounds all neat and simple, but maybe I should start at the beginning. Read more

Steps forward

I have been busy, and not the superficial type, but the real one, when you are actually spending time doing things that matter, and at the end of the day you feel happy and content about the results. I have just started two projects. They are not new, not at all, just finally coming to fruition. The only downside is still not getting money for my work. I’ll have to step up my game, but I need to take it still one day at a time. And that is something that I constantly need to remind myself. I am not in a luxurious position like others are, I do not have the same life and challenges that they have. I don’t think feeling sorry for myself is a mistake. However it is not very productive – that is also true. Read more

Weddings

I went to a wedding on Monday. I can’t say it was a friend’s wedding, because I don’t consider myself to be really close to each other. We used to be though, at university. She still considers me as someone, who is close to her, which is in itself very interesting. However, I would like to expand the thoughts in my head on marriage and weddings. I have not been disciplined enough to write every day, and I feel that the thoughts in my head are exploding slowly, but surely. The tradition here is to retell the story of the couple. It is obvious what questions are asked from the officiator to make the story funny, lovely and entertaining in general. I love that tradition! It gives you a better understanding of the couple and makes you connect to them more. Where I am from the official part is just official, the thoughts about marriage are very general, and if you want to do something similar to telling the story then maybe the bride’s maids or groomsmen do that in their speeches. Maybe the couple in their vows too. Read more