Honest

I have this blog for a reason. Nobody knows I have it, hardly anyone reads it and that is exactly the point. However I felt like posting something on facebook exactly the way I do it here. I just write without major editing and pour my thoughts onto the keyboard with one initial thought in mind and see what comes out, where it is going.

I wrote about the fact that I have been unemployed for a year. I couldn’t manage to get a job, earn money and feel good about myself, so I decided to explain what it feels like being unemployed for that long. What it does to your thinking, how friends are trying to help or not help by their behaviour, how some are honestly very helpful, and some actually just disappear, because they have got no idea how to deal with you. I am not sad most of the time, but some days are honestly very heavy.

What I did not expect is the amount of replies and private messages that I got. It was and still is overwhelming to read all those kind words directed at me, knowing how many people have read what I am feeling. It might have something to do with my period as well. Very late, but I did get it before travelling, before Christmas, before we have to get on the road, so that is good. After four days of being in pain the overall aching in my body is declining as well. That is always a way to productivity and starting to get down to business. I have four workshops to plan, and many bags to sew. My heart is heavy though, I feel not valued at all in this neoliberal society. Someone to be thrown away at a moment’s notice. Even if friends send me love and well-wishes.

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Resolutions

It’s been a long time since I have written here, and I missed writing. Today I am sick as well, the usual shoulder-head-jaw and back pain is creeping back into my life. I am tired, I am scared of the year ending. When I am in pain it is difficult to think clearly. I am reading, trying to find a solution, trying to keep the house clean, providing a good background. And in the mean time to work on my projects.

I need help and I can’t afford it. I need my jaw fixed, my teeth fixed and braces on them and I can’t afford to be healthy. I am desperate to get a job that is at least a bit in my knowledge area. Employers can get away with not responding, with ignoring you, with not thinking about your time. Many jobs I don’t apply to because I know it is a waste of time.

The new year is coming and the truth is in the past three years I couldn’t wait for a new year to appear. Because I wanted the year to end let’s just go and start over, try again. I wish I had a year, maybe next year when I could say: awesome, what a wonderful year I have had, I am sad it is over. So far I have been struggling, feeling I am not achieving anything, my relationship is not thriving at all. And in those past three years I graduated and got married. Should have been amazing achievements.

Not having money is hard. Not being appreciated and fully accepted by your husband is even harder. I normally don’t lose hope, I don’t think it will never get better, but it is just hard. And yes, you never know what other people are struggling with. I am sure they are also fighting a battle I have no clue about. That doesn’t make my life easier or better. I want us all to feel good and enjoy this mini-time we are on Earth. My husband has some resolutions for the new year that he wants to achieve. Some include me, so I am going to help him with them. I hope they will help us too.

Write, create, go!

This is going to be just short and simple. The first week of December has passed and I have way too much on my plate. So I am going to list here my plan, my list of what needs to be done in 2017 and then get going.

  • the house needs to be in order, so clothes put away, everything cleared, because we have guests today and tonight.
  • have to make sure to get enough supplements, so that I don’t have to buy them later on, and also take them.
  • have to know whether I can go home before the holidays for a few days or not. That depends on whether the interviews or selection process happens soon. No news from them at all.
  • have to finish writing the stories that are still in me, those that I want out before 2018 starts.
  • have to start writing for my art projects. Thankfully the list of topics I have jotted down, so I am on track.
  • have to design two new websites: one for my art project as a portfolio and one for a new website.
  • write and record 4 episodes for my podcast.
  • decide whether I make the support bags and posters for my podcast. If so, then make them. Which means buying material and start sawing.
  • plan my workshop for the event of the end of the year.

This is a lot of writing and thinking that I have to do, with the hope that I start working  for actual money in January. Now that this is in writing, all I need to do is GO!

Five

So there is the saying that you are the average of the five people you mostly identify it. It is not the first time I heard it on a podcast, or read about it in an article or book. And I am just trying to understand whether that is actually true and if so, how does it apply in my life? I honestly don’t even now, who I identify with. Is it also partly admiration, has it got anything to do with that? So, as I am writing, I am making it up what I have to find as I go. I like contemplating in writing on the clock.

1.) Obviously it has to be my husband. I spend most time with him after with myself. There is a reason I married him, and I think we are a wonderful match. Even on the really bad and difficult days. So, what is good about him, why do I identify with him? Probably we need to take into account both positive and negative elements of a personality. He is a sensitive, creative person, who is thirsty for knowledge. He keeps reading up on things, and trying new programming skills. He is attractive, but an introvert. He is nice to talk to, but doesn’t speak much.He is funny. Sometimes lazy, sometimes doesn’t work hard. He has problems with self-esteem and self-love. With making friends, even though people in general love him very much, and find him a fun person to be around. Read more

Crow’s-feet

I took a lot of time applying mascara this morning looking in the tiny inconvenient mirror of the powder blush. The light is coming from the side, I can’t properly tell if I managed to put the cream on my face evenly everywhere. I turn my head, I see the small mistakes, work again with my fingers to make sure this mixture of BB cream and promo face cream get the right feel, then quickly look at the time. Okay, I really have to leave now. One more deep look and I take note of the number and depth of lines on my forehead. Two deep ones above my right eye. The cream always collects itself there. Just a bit, to give me a reminder. And those next to my eyes as well. Crow’s feet. Read more

Self-help

I am the type of person, who tries to find the solution to my problems by googling them. I am looking for hooks, help, texts, advice, books, anything that would get me out of what I am in. In the mean time my husband goes to work and brings the money home. I feel that I am developing the projects that I wanted to start, but I do know that I am very slow these days.

It’s been 11 months that I have been unemployed and for the first time I found a job that I would genuinely like to get. So instead of spending a lot of time figuring out how to make sure I get an interview I am hiding behind the screen watching series and playing with some online games parallelly on facebook. I know that many things that I am doing these days are ruining my attention span. I know that the pomodoro technique is something that actually works for me. The longest I can go is 10 minutes thinking that I will never push through that much time. When the clock of the egg timer starts beeping in my ear however I feel energized and hit for another round again. Read more

(Re-)Birth

I dream a lot about giving birth or being pregnant. I am aware of what it means, and why it became an important signal for my life. I remember the first time I had the dream I was a teenager and it was during the short period of time when I had a psychiatrist. She was always intensely interested in my dreams. But then, when I told her I about being pregnant in my dream and later pushing a baby around in the street, she asked: are you sure you are not pregnant in real life? I was a virgin at the time, and could hear her cynicism clearly. I was disappointed, and soon enough I did not return to see her, even though I would have needed the help for sure. The dreams about birth continued all my life.
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Grateful thought (17)

This is the deepest gratitude I have felt in a very long time. It is short, simple and from the bottom of my heart.

My sister-in-law was in a car accident on Thursday afternoon. With her two-year-old daughter. She lost her consciousness due to the lack of iron in her body, and drove against a tree with full speed. She is five-months pregnant with twins.

Her airbag opened, and apart from a small neck pain and dizziness she is fine. Her daughter had no injuries at all. She was safe in her babyseat. They slept well last night, and are in good spirits. The little one is happy. The car looks really bad, but who cares? 

I am sending love and gratitude to the world today. Thank you for letting them get through this with minimal harm. Deeply grateful day today and yesterday, and forever.

Grateful thought (16)

Last weekend and in the beginning of the week I spent a few days off with a friend of mine at her father’s house. She needed a break, and I was her partner to make her vacation a bit more relaxed, and not so lonely.

She took pleasure in showing me around her childhood place, the dunes, the nature, the walks, all delivered with stories about family and friends. This was not the first time there for me, but last time I had no time to do any sightseeing at all. For a good reason. I helped her family with lifting some weight off them due to the passing of the mother. Around that time I lived in a different country, but close enough to be able to come over and comfort her for a few days. I made breakfast, did grocery shopping and talked to her when she needed it. It was an incredibly sad time. My friend lost her mum to ovarian cancer at 51. Mine survived at 55.

Her family was very tight, and it was clear to me that it was due to her exceptional mother, who we had to say goodbye to two and a half years ago in May. Coincidentally I got married a year later on the day of the funeral. What made me instantly grateful is the memory of all people showing up for them. I think we were well over 300 at the funeral coming from all over the country (and abroad) to hold the family tight. I thought I would never see her dad smile again. She was the love of his life.

This weekend right after we arrived there was a family party, an aunt had a birthday. They said many times to me: we don’t have to go, you know no one there, no need to spend time there. I insisted on going. My friend hardly ever goes home, and I knew it would be nice for her to catch up with the family. I spoke to her grandma for an hour, and practiced the language I hardly ever use. There was cake, coffee, and most importantly laughter. I took photos the whole weekend, and have several where I see the father laugh with genuine delight. Now he goes alone on trips around the world, and we had the chance to say goodbye to him at the airport. He was off to Patagonia this time. It was lovely to see him not staring in front of himself in grief. I know it was already two and a half years ago, but still. Not that much time has passed. He was happy to see his daughter, drive us around, cycle together, he cooked for us, we baked for him. It felt nice to be around him. I am grateful that he could move on.

Grateful thought (15)

It happened again. I managed to shut up in the end, even though I had all these elaborate, self-protective sentences constructed in my head. These beautifully put together, properly reasoned words were ready to be typed into WhatsApp, ready to be sent off in order to let other people know they shouldn’t fuck with me. But before sending them…¬† I paused. I opened a browser, and tried to look up whether there could be any way that I was wrong? Maybe I am jumping to conclusions again? Could I just ask one more question before I attack? Texting is the fastest way to get into a fight with my husband as well.

I didn’t send the message. I waited patiently after asking just once more whether there might be a misunderstanding. And I was right, and there was miscommunication.

I have to remind myself that people are much worse organized than I am. I get back to people really fast. My inbox is empty, I keep track of things. I make notes, if I were to forget something I’ll set a reminder. I knew by the first look that I was going to meet people, who were not on the top of their game. Enthusiastic and smart? Yes. Organized? Surely not. And still I became impatient, because I was so vulnerable. It was the first time in a very long time (maybe ever?) that I took a chance and met people, who I previously hadn’t known at all, not even a little. No introductions, no clinging onto friends to have a foot in the door.

I am so happy I shut up. Grateful for remembering to question my anger.