Teeth

I was a thumbsucker until I was 12 years old. My mom was mocking me that I’ll be all grown-up, at university when I was still going to suck my thumb. Well, I honestly don’t remember how it happened, but one day I stopped and I never needed that comfort ever again. The more than a decade long intimate time spent with my left thumb left a horrible mark on my life. Now I understand why some parents take it very seriously to make sure that their children stop doing that. As the title suggests and you have guessed it: I have serious problems with my teeth. And obviously not only with my teeth, but with my jawline in general. Read more

Responsibility

I have been finding it incredibly difficult to sit down and write. I am looking at the screen and the blogpost is just so white. However, at night my brain is well and alive, giving me all these ideas I could use in the morning. And then the morning comes and I am just tired, and don’t want to produce more words, sentences in a day. I am so far from being okay, cured, content. Keeping up with sports has been rewarding. I have not found even one excuse from not doing it. Even when I was sick and weak in the afternoon, or rain was pouring down. I think that is a good sign. I am holding onto this sport thing as if this was the only way to be a good wife. I know that sport is a way out of a lot of misery, and keeps the mind fresh too. Read more

Self-confidence

Again, I am at a stage where my head literally hurts from all the thoughts that good piled up in it during the weekend. When I write in the evening that is very different from the morning. Obviously I prefer getting things down as soon as possible, not wait the whole day to expand on my thoughts. I have just read about insomnia as well. It’s not coming back into my life, but it is showing some signs. That usually means that your brain, your thoughts don’t give you a rest, you think about the things you didn’t take time to digest during the day. Read more

Precious moments

I don’t think we have more than just moments when things look quite alright. I noticed that writing with my husband being in the room is something that truly stops me from properly exploring the deep past, however my dreams remind me that I am very much dwelling in past experiences. The good thing is that I seem to develop a different viewpoint on at least some events in the past and that gives me relief.

These days I am trying to get healthy and that involves also being more serious about working out. Last week I managed to get running four times, and as cliché as it sounds it is a sense of achievement that I am well enough to go out and get my pulse up. I downloaded a plan on how to get some serious workout in and how to train for competition, even though I do not want to compete, but my husband does. I know that our relationship will become stronger if we do this together. We use the time also to speak, to discuss things and get a better grip on what is going on. Read more

Belonging

I think this word describes very well what I need and miss in my life. It is not only a teenage thing, when you want to be part of the group. Or at least not for me. Either I stayed a teenager in my head or it is possible to have this problem later in life as well. It is something that gives me great envy and subsequently insecurity. The fact that I feel like I do not belong to any group.

I don’t live in a country, where I am from, I didn’t feel I fit in, so I gave up. My ideas about the world are different compared to how most people think there, and under the current and past governments I did not feel welcome at all with my knowledge and skills. However what is also true is that I live in a country that also doesn’t want to have me. If I do want to properly fit in I would have to give up quite a bit from myself, and even then I might not pass the test. Read more

The second funeral

I don’t think I have ever seen a person, who was equally close to her mum and her dad. I think in healthy families you feel close to both, but depending on the circumstances even then you would pick one to discuss problems with, you’ll prefer or want to confide in selecting one of the two. And that is the ideal situation. That at least one of them is there for you to listen, to support you.

I am genuinely scared when I am compared to my mum, when someone says, “oh, you are so much like your mother, I can see her in you”. My mum would say: “you are just like your father, you have the same temper”. And usually that is what I reply to people, who didn’t know my father: if you’d known him, you wouldn’t say that I am like my mum, because I am much more like him. But at the end of the day I spent the most time with my mum, and her influences are the biggest on me. The good and the bad. Read more

Dreams

I belong to that category of people, who always remember what they dreamt about the night before. As a child I saw that we actually had a book at home about analyzing dreams, and finding the meaning for different symbols. I used to read that book a lot. When I was in psychotherapy, which in retrospect I know was not very helpful, the therapist often asked about my dreams. She was fascinated by the fact that I had these incredibly elaborate stories in my head. I would go there once a week, and she would ask: so, any interesting dreams from last week? Read more

Money

Oh, how money makes me miserable. I can say that these days the biggest problem in my life is that I don’t have an income, I don’t earn money at all. The cliché of money not being able to buy you happiness is bullshit. Not having money makes you miserable and your days are spent merely surviving, making sure you have a roof above your head and can eat something. That is not the deifinition of life.

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Grateful thought (8)

Today I am grateful for having the energy to go running with my husband. He asked me whether I wanted to go for a run with him. And I decided I could do it. Especially, if we weren’t rushing it, and would do it interval style. I had a proper breakfast that gave me energy and managed to do 3,1 km after literally months of break. I am happy we went and we talked, in short, we were together.

Later we watched Silicon Valley together and I even rejuvenated my tomato plants on the balcony. I feel like we are making a progress. Very slow progress, but still.

That winter in the early 90s (2)

After that gloomy Christmas, somehow the New Year came, school and work started for us again. One day my grandfather said he had a headache. My mother says in retrospect: if he complained about pain it meant that something was really wrong. He never complained about anything. Arguably it can be said that it is not manly to voice anything that can be interpreted as weakness. However my grandfather was some kind of an early feminist. Read more