Trying

Having a crisis every 7-8 years of my life seems almost inevitable to be. So far, I have come out of every crisis as a stronger individual. I have learnt more and more about myself, and others. Also the time to come out on the brighter side seems to shorten by the time. Maybe this is what I’d like to think, and that is the way forward on the road.

I know I am very determined to get out of the shit I am in. Practically I am very aware of the fact that I do not want to go down the rabbit hole again. I do not want to suffer from panic attacks, I’d like to sleep well and not jeopardize my well-being by letting me slip into panic mode. No, thank you. So far I have managed, but it came close on Sunday. The trigger was there. However being suicidal is not a surprising feeling to me. It comes and goes many times. What I honestly don’t want is a constant level of anxiety. As I said, so far, I have managed to avoid that. I am pushing through, I am writing. Not only here, but for my podcast, and about other topics. I do make a very conscious effort to speak up when I am in pain, and I also cry a lot these days. It is good to be able to say: I am unwell, I need help. I feel lost, it is hard to be me. I would prefer not to be ageist, but I am. The society we live in is ageist, and I am constantly reminded of that. Hence I also remind myself. It is a vicious circle. What should I have achieved by now? What should I have done to have a better life by 30 than what I have? Something that is successful, that makes me be better accepted in the world? Read more

Help

I cried almost all night. I fell asleep late, practically parched after all the tears. I woke up way too early and continued crying. It has been a very hard week. And then I decided to ask for help. This sounds all neat and simple, but maybe I should start at the beginning. Read more

Steps forward

I have been busy, and not the superficial type, but the real one, when you are actually spending time doing things that matter, and at the end of the day you feel happy and content about the results. I have just started two projects. They are not new, not at all, just finally coming to fruition. The only downside is still not getting money for my work. I’ll have to step up my game, but I need to take it still one day at a time. And that is something that I constantly need to remind myself. I am not in a luxurious position like others are, I do not have the same life and challenges that they have. I don’t think feeling sorry for myself is a mistake. However it is not very productive – that is also true. Read more

Weddings

I went to a wedding on Monday. I can’t say it was a friend’s wedding, because I don’t consider myself to be really close to each other. We used to be though, at university. She still considers me as someone, who is close to her, which is in itself very interesting. However, I would like to expand the thoughts in my head on marriage and weddings. I have not been disciplined enough to write every day, and I feel that the thoughts in my head are exploding slowly, but surely. The tradition here is to retell the story of the couple. It is obvious what questions are asked from the officiator to make the story funny, lovely and entertaining in general. I love that tradition! It gives you a better understanding of the couple and makes you connect to them more. Where I am from the official part is just official, the thoughts about marriage are very general, and if you want to do something similar to telling the story then maybe the bride’s maids or groomsmen do that in their speeches. Maybe the couple in their vows too. Read more

Pregnancy

My best friend from the school – where I spent the best time studying design – is pregnant. I had a dream about being very pregnant, ready to go into labour, but the pain just decided to stop, and I just sat down waiting to give birth, not knowing what to do.

Pregnancy is a recurring a topic in my life. I think the deepest fear of mine is connected to the biggest wish of mine. I would like to belong to a family that is loving, kind and supportive. And I know, for some reason I had already established that when I was around 16 years old, that the only way to get that is to start my own family at some point. When I have children, and my children have children then I will turn into this matriarch that I have always needed in my life. I will be my own matriarch. Sounds very Jewish. Well, according to the rules I am 1/8th Jewish, so it is in my blood somewhere. Even though I was raised counter-religious. Not just a simple atheist, but to oppose religion in all forms and manifestations. That hostility against religion got me into trouble several times. Until I knew better, but this is not the focus of this post. Read more

Pancakes

I love flipping pancakes. From a very young age I was fascinated with trying to find the recipe that would allow me to flip the pancakes without having to nudge the dough in any way. That means that the consistency of the grease and thickness of the pancake together with the heat of the stove should form a perfect combination to be able to have one turn in the air to land on the other side and then nicely on the plate. I love when people eat my pancakes. In fact, I love it too much. I would taste it to know that it turned out well, but wouldn’t eat another piece, unless by accident I ruined one in the process. Read more

Suicide

The news of Chester Bennington committing suicide shocked me. I think it is especially my generation, who are now in their 30s, feel that his death is like suddenly a huge part of our teenage world dying. I almost think there is no one, who has never thought about suicide in their teenage years, or later. Especially those, who suffer from depression, like me. If not thinking about suicide then at least you play with the idea that you die and that you can see how other people feel or react to your death. You imagine what they would say at your funeral. I find it deeply understandable, because there is this thirst for understanding where your place is, how others feel about you. And how better to test it than when you are actually not there? Do people remember you? Do they forget you incredibly fast? In real life that is not possible. If you are dead, you are gone. You’ll have no clue whatsoever how people feel about you. It is over. Read more

Grateful thought (10)

WordPress has just reminded me that I started my blog a month ago. I have to note here that thank you internet, thank you wordpress, computers and the world for letting me write and express myself online. I do feel it is working. Writing through my pain and recounting events from the past help me to let go of them. That is what I am looking for. I want to be able to forgive and also a bit to forget. I would like to get it out and find the strengths from the events in the past. I didn’t know what kind of tool will be helpful for me. Writing was not my strength at university, I struggles very hard. Until I had a lecturer, who thought that my writing was actually really good and she was not afraid to give me good grades and encouragement. Now I do not have this writer’s block anymore. Just sit down and start. Thank you for those two teachers for the encouragements, I am deeply grateful for them.

Usually I tell people around me that I read a lot to self-help, self-educate, different point of views, and of course there are many good quotes out there that you read and say, haha, it’s true, or spot on, but you don’t actually think about them any further as they do not deeply apply for the moment. For me thinking more about the people, who do care about me and less about the army, who doesn’t is an important one. “Choose people, who choose you.” Whoever said that: yes, and thank you! It is good to make the circle smaller, it helps me focus and turn down the noise around me. So, today I have many grateful thoughts, and in that spirit I am going to put my energy into work that stems from my gratefulness. Thank you helpful teachers.

Lying

All my life I thought I was good at lying. Also about telling the truth. I don’t know whether I am or not, but it is true that people around me have no clue how I feel and what I think most of the time. I desperately would like them to know what is up with me, but it is hard. I am scared that if they really knew I would have no friends and noone would be interested in me. I am sure that lying is the thing that destroys or harms many families the most. The lack of being able to speak openly about issues, and obviously about issues that matter the most for the integrity of a family, or an individual within that family for that matter can and will do a lot of harm. When you know that you are just not allowed to mention certain topics, people or events from the past. Read more

Grateful thought (9)

Haven’t written here about being grateful in a while. Even though it is clearly different to only think compared to noting it when a moment of gratefulness happens. The latter making a longer and deeper impression.

Today after a very sluggish day the evening had three lovely events. One was laughing and fooling around with husband right after he arrived from work. The second being a three-hour-catch-up with a long lost and found friend. The third a long walk late into the night as a wind down with husband. What a superb end to the day. I felt understood and very lucky to be alive today. That feeling doesn’t happy very often. Truly grateful.